fucking holidays. i feel like such a wet blanket, but really i hate holidays. there are some aspects of the christmas season which i enjoy, like the snow and being outside in the dark with the moon reflecting off of ice, but all the things which i so enjoy are not related to christmas. why can't i just have the snow and the company and the feeling and the break without having to buy presents for everyone i know and spend "quality time with my family?" my dad and kathrina (who is his secretary, but probably would rather be screwing him) keep trying to make me take part in various holiday celebrations, most of which include lots of little kids running around and some old fat guy dressed up as santa claus and me feeling really out of place. their argument for me going is always something about bonding and i should really meet <insert name of one of their co-worker's kids who is about seven, but apparently we will be the best of friends>. the worst ones are where the kids are about ten years older than seven, namely, about my age. the guys are always really really different from me in one way or another and we don't get along very well and make forced conversation all day and finally end it with an awkward handshake which leaves me feeling as though i have just caught about every disease that exists this side of the equator. the girls all are either really skanky and are kind of all over me, are really skanky and find me repulsive while being all over every other guy we see, or are the kind of girls who i think could probably punch me out if i said the wrong thing.

i have another of these today and then tomorrow. i think they are both about my age, but i don't know if they are guys or girls. i feel like a slave at a slave market. my dad introduces me and relates my report card and most of my past accomplushments to the potential buyer, who stretches her gum out of her mouth and flips her hair saying "riiight. okaay, whatever." my father can just never get rid of me. he yelled at me yesterday for not calling him "dad" ever. he asked why i don't and i said i didn't know and then i called him dad so he would drop it. i don't plan to say such a thing again. i know exactly why i don't call him "dad." i don't think of him as my dad. he left me when i was a baby and waited seventeen years before he even considered coming back into my life. he never appologized for leaving us. he hardly even talks to jason and he still expects us to be some kind of happy family some how. well, fuck him.

i have spent so much of this entry complaining, so i will say something good now: mattie and dan and i are going to buy this REALLY nice ibanez acoustic/electric together. i think any one of us would love to have it to ourselves, but this way it doesn't cost so much and i don't have to be completely responsible for it. it's a really beauty though. i am very excited. we're waiting until matt gets paid before we get it, but he says he'll get his christmas paycheck today or tomorrow. so there's another thing i like about christmas.